maybe love isn’t about finding one person
the messy, beautiful work of choosing connection over convention
Something I’m coming to terms with is that I might actually live an unconventional life. An ex-situationship recently asked me if I’ve been seeing anyone, and instead of just saying yes, I launched into this long explanation about how I’m building this big beautiful life for myself, how I’m “not pressed for a relationship”, and how I’m “just dating and enjoying connections as they come”. And afterward, I realized I was trying to justify myself.
There was this strange discomfort in telling him I’m single but dating around. I think some part of me is still tied to that outdated idea that a woman who isn’t tied to one man is a slut. So instead of just answering the question, I felt the need to explain why I’m choosing to be open.
It’s ironic, because I’m always talking about how women have more choice, abundance, freedom, and autonomy than we’ve ever had, yet I’m still subconsciously clinging to the white-picket-fence fantasy. I’ve been treating independence like a temporary phase instead of an actual lifestyle. Even when I think about my future, I still catch myself saying, “I’ll probably be married by like 32.” I’m not closed off to marriage or children; I still want those things. But I’ve been acting like this independent life is just a moment instead of something I could choose long-term.
Maybe I date people as they come and go, and if someone becomes a long-term relationship, it’s because it makes sense practically, because I intentionally chose him, and because I’m madly in love. But deep down, I was still tying the idea of being a wife and mother to men’s validation. I thought that if I openly expressed living this way, I’d get shoved into the Madonna–whore complex and automatically fall into the “whore” category for not prioritizing marriage and children. I kept trying to quietly prove I’m “wifey material,” and I’m realizing I can’t base my value on a man’s approval or validation that I could be “the one.”
Exploring myself and other people has shown me that it’ll take a lot more for a man to “lock me down.” Before, it was enough that he was cute, met the baseline, and liked me. That alone got exclusivity. Now? Absolutely not. I need so much more to commit, especially when it comes to marriage. It might actually be harder than I thought to convince me to give up my independence and commit my life and heart to someone. And if a relationship doesn’t exceed my expectations, why commit at all?
This ties into how our generation rushes intimacy for quick dopamine hits. We want quick & hot & intense. Intimacy that burns hot and turns to ash just as quickly. I spent most of my romantic life chasing that. But now I know I need a slow burn. I need to experience someone, observe them, and watch them evolve over time before I decide to commit, and before I feel comfortable with them committing to me. I want someone to genuinely know me, and I’m not an easy person to know.
And honestly, I don’t know myself or my life plan well enough to commit right now. I know how easily I get tunnel vision. I’m a deeply devoted lover. When I’m in love, the world shrinks until it’s just them. To give that fully again, I need something real and undeniable. And, I need a life that feels wide, full, and undeniably mine.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t show up authentically. I’m a lover at my core. It’s nothing for me to give love, connect with someone, experience them, and offer a small piece of myself. I love that, and I only do it with people who show up equally. I’m not here for mind games or fluff. I want to enjoy people and let them enjoy me. And if one connection grows so big that it needs my whole heart to contain it, I’ll give myself fully.
I don’t know how long it’ll be until I meet my person, and I need to stop thinking of it like a countdown. It’s not “everything before him” and then life begins. The people who come before matter too. They’re part of the story. It’s about the people you meet, what you learn about yourself, others, and the world. That’s what makes you a better lover. You shouldn’t deny yourself different forms of beautiful love.
If I find my person, if I’m meant to, I’ll know that out of all the beautiful experiences I’ve had, he’s the one I want to spend the rest of my romantic life with. And I want him to feel the same. Honestly, it’s better for me if my partner has had other relationships. Every relationship teaches you something. If he needs to explore and grow to be a better lover for me, and we find each other when it’s time, I’m okay with that.
So whether we meet at 26, 36, or in another lifetime, I’ll trust that every experience led us to each other so we could love each other the best way possible. And maybe there is no one, and that’s okay too.
I’m realizing my only two options aren’t “get married” or “be a single spinster.” I can build this big beautiful life and still have beautiful connections throughout it. My life and my love aren’t less valuable just because I didn’t spend them with one person. Those relationships still matter. My dating life might be unconventional, maybe just in my 20s, maybe forever. Tomorrow isn’t promised anyway.
All I know is that as long as I’m blessed with each day, I’m going to create a beautiful life out of this human mess. I don’t know what my life will look like in 5, 10, 30, or 50 years. But I know I’ll make every day count.
"It’s ironic, because I’m always talking about how women have more choice, abundance, freedom, and autonomy than we’ve ever had, yet I’m still subconsciously clinging to the white-picket-fence fantasy." SAME! The hardest pattern to break
love this thank you queen for writing this!