I remember telling my colleages that I wasn't single. Did I have a boyfriend? Nope. I just wasn't looking. They rolled their eyes and I just shrugged. It's exhausting to keep explaining this exact concept, so thank you for putting it into such well written words. I've never experienced romantic love, and I'm not sure if it's ever going to be apart of my story… but I know my life can be fulfilling without it. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's freeing, but it always has me in the centre.
I am one of those older women who has been married for over thirty-years. I wish I had half of your wisdom at your age. I've spent half of my life in a box of responsibility to others. I have raised three boys to men. Two of them make me incredibly proud of the decision to be their mother. One of them is 30 years-old and still a significant drain of my energy. I'm holding some pretty firm boundaries with him now. Two of my boys are autistic and they required more than I ever dreamed of.
Do I want love? I think we all do in some form, but nothing about it has to look traditional.
Reading your words almost brought me to tears, because I want to scream, "Don't do it! Don't get married anytime soon! And definitely, don't have kids until you're ready to give yourself to the responsibility, fully.
There's so little about marriage and raising children that is romantic. I think the best marriages come from a mature decision and a lot of thought about motives. Deconstructing the whole institution, and especially the responsibility of children. Having them is nothing to take lightly.
I'll be subscribing to read more of your wisdom. Thank you for this insightful, incredible, writing.
wow, thank you so much for reading, karen! hearing wisdom from older women about these experiences means so much to me. it's hard to break the disillusionment of marriage and children because it has been so deeply engrained in us to believe that is the end all be all. i'm thankful for your honesty because it has allowed me and so many other women to take a breath before starting something that will change our lives.
This is very much the deconstruction pipeline 😅 it’s so real though- once you start to critically interrogate beliefs & identity, it makes sense to also do that about assumptions towards love/marriage/kids! Love that we’re having more frank conversations about this as women🙂↕️
This resonated with me on so many levels as a chronically single woman in her 20s with no desire to be in a romantic relationship after experiencing relational turmoil in majority of my teen years. I feel like the idea of what love looks like is fed to us from a very early age so it’s so easy to internalize that belief that romantic love is a prerequisite for a fulfilling life, when it’s not. But this article made me feel so seen and articulated all of the long standing feelings I’ve had towards the subject so perfectly.
As a single 30-year old who is trying to disentangle my genuine desires and the ones that have been fed to me, this was an incredibly relatable read. Your line of finding “what genuinely serves me, not what I’ve been told will make me feel complete or less alone” is something I’m grappling with. I’m very much like you (need my alone time) and am currently living the life you describe (quiet mornings without urgency, reading, writing, and moving my body) and I love it, but I also crave intimacy and connection. As someone who feels deeply, intermittent connection doesn’t seem worth it or fulfilling, there’s something about commitment that adds meaning to relationships for me, so that’s what I’m struggling with. I’m trying to figure out what meaningful (and sustainable) connection looks like for me. it I look forward to reading more of your work! :)
i can deeply relate to this, i go back and forth between feeling like intermittent connection may serve me but it's hard to ignore how much i do crave meaningful commitment so i'm still figuring this out for myself. i'm glad my work resonated with you 🥹 i'll be sharing more as i learn more about myself and what works for me!
You put into words what I couldn’t for so long. I’ve been with my partner for 5 years now but sometimes i just cant help but feel like I would rather be alone. Not because anything is inherently wrong but because i like having my own space and having the freedom and choice of being single allows you to have.
this is so beautifully written. because i always loved staying single but also wanted intimacy, connection, and warmth. i was told that these things come only with not being single, and i always hated that. why do i have to give myself to get something that should be shared without being in a relationship?
Beautiful article! I just turned 21, and this exact feeling, this love is something that has been gnawing at me for months! As someone whose name means she loves, love has been a part of my identity since birth and I have come to terms of all the things I love. I love how you placed love as energy, and honestly you are can still be a lover outside of a relationship or a partnership. I am slowly learning that you can be an art lover, gym lover, Sunday nights alone lover, book lover, love is where you are. I have been disillusioned that marriage and a big family is what I want, not necessarily told that but implied that is what a woman wants, what I must have. I have put a hard stop on getting into any partnerships, because year after year I have been drained out of the love because I have mastered how to pour into someone else’s heart, and yet I am completely inexperienced at pour a fraction of it into my own heart. I am giving myself a chance. It’s uncharted territory even at 21, even after being in multiple relationships, I don’t know the map of my own heart. I have found solace in the unknown❤️
I love this! How self-reflective you are! So many wait until later in life to look deeply at themselves. I remember vividly why I married my first husband -- security. I was afraid that I couldn't manage to support myself financially or emotionally on my own. I grew up with a lot of self-doubt and fear and that is what pushed me into a 19-year hellscape with a malignant narcissist. Once I finally got out, I met a man who told me that to be in a relationship doesn't mean "merging." Two people don't become one. You remain yourself in community with another person. You shouldn't have to (so don't) give yourself up to be in a loving relationship. That isn't love. It is control. You are not property (as my ex thought I was). You are a unique, self-fulfilling, self-owned individual capable of doing whatever the hell you want. And, as someone who is a deep, self-reflective thinker, you are surely acting in a positive, self-sustaining and inspiring way. Don't give in to the social norms if they don't suit you. Be you. You are enough!
I need to frame the following sentence as a reminder. " You are a unique, self-fulfilling, self-owned individual capable of doing whatever the hell you want"
thank you for making me feel so deeply understood. i often worry that I am completely lonely in being in between, somewhat not sure, being on opposite end from ones who want marriage and children and also those who know for a fact that their path do not include those things. thank you for reminding me that it is okay to wonder about it all.
This is so me. I claim to be hopeless romantic but being in a relationship somehow feels very suffocating to me, I sometimes love to share my space but I can't handle it all the time. Maybe I should reconsider whether I actually am a romantic or maybe I've been consuming too much media about romance.
This is so real because while I love the idea of having my own person I sometimes wonder if the reason I "crave" romantic relationships so much is because I tie my worth of being "wanted"
This is is really beautiful and it's actually something I needed today . I shared with my friend about my deep desire for love and I don't think he took it well because he has a whole different perspective about relationships. He became distant and all that but it's still okay it's too much. I have my fears but this has given me another thought, I should deconstruct love and how I see it and also I should really think about what I need. I'm good with solitude but I think am becoming too comfortable with it.
I remember telling my colleages that I wasn't single. Did I have a boyfriend? Nope. I just wasn't looking. They rolled their eyes and I just shrugged. It's exhausting to keep explaining this exact concept, so thank you for putting it into such well written words. I've never experienced romantic love, and I'm not sure if it's ever going to be apart of my story… but I know my life can be fulfilling without it. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's freeing, but it always has me in the centre.
I am one of those older women who has been married for over thirty-years. I wish I had half of your wisdom at your age. I've spent half of my life in a box of responsibility to others. I have raised three boys to men. Two of them make me incredibly proud of the decision to be their mother. One of them is 30 years-old and still a significant drain of my energy. I'm holding some pretty firm boundaries with him now. Two of my boys are autistic and they required more than I ever dreamed of.
Do I want love? I think we all do in some form, but nothing about it has to look traditional.
Reading your words almost brought me to tears, because I want to scream, "Don't do it! Don't get married anytime soon! And definitely, don't have kids until you're ready to give yourself to the responsibility, fully.
There's so little about marriage and raising children that is romantic. I think the best marriages come from a mature decision and a lot of thought about motives. Deconstructing the whole institution, and especially the responsibility of children. Having them is nothing to take lightly.
I'll be subscribing to read more of your wisdom. Thank you for this insightful, incredible, writing.
wow, thank you so much for reading, karen! hearing wisdom from older women about these experiences means so much to me. it's hard to break the disillusionment of marriage and children because it has been so deeply engrained in us to believe that is the end all be all. i'm thankful for your honesty because it has allowed me and so many other women to take a breath before starting something that will change our lives.
This is very much the deconstruction pipeline 😅 it’s so real though- once you start to critically interrogate beliefs & identity, it makes sense to also do that about assumptions towards love/marriage/kids! Love that we’re having more frank conversations about this as women🙂↕️
that part!
This resonated with me on so many levels as a chronically single woman in her 20s with no desire to be in a romantic relationship after experiencing relational turmoil in majority of my teen years. I feel like the idea of what love looks like is fed to us from a very early age so it’s so easy to internalize that belief that romantic love is a prerequisite for a fulfilling life, when it’s not. But this article made me feel so seen and articulated all of the long standing feelings I’ve had towards the subject so perfectly.
Thank you for sharing part of your inner world:)💗
As a single 30-year old who is trying to disentangle my genuine desires and the ones that have been fed to me, this was an incredibly relatable read. Your line of finding “what genuinely serves me, not what I’ve been told will make me feel complete or less alone” is something I’m grappling with. I’m very much like you (need my alone time) and am currently living the life you describe (quiet mornings without urgency, reading, writing, and moving my body) and I love it, but I also crave intimacy and connection. As someone who feels deeply, intermittent connection doesn’t seem worth it or fulfilling, there’s something about commitment that adds meaning to relationships for me, so that’s what I’m struggling with. I’m trying to figure out what meaningful (and sustainable) connection looks like for me. it I look forward to reading more of your work! :)
i can deeply relate to this, i go back and forth between feeling like intermittent connection may serve me but it's hard to ignore how much i do crave meaningful commitment so i'm still figuring this out for myself. i'm glad my work resonated with you 🥹 i'll be sharing more as i learn more about myself and what works for me!
Here is my take: https://open.substack.com/pub/bathrobethoughts/p/what-if-i-choose-wrong?r=6f3wyb&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web :)
You put into words what I couldn’t for so long. I’ve been with my partner for 5 years now but sometimes i just cant help but feel like I would rather be alone. Not because anything is inherently wrong but because i like having my own space and having the freedom and choice of being single allows you to have.
i can relate to this, enjoying partnership but also craving that freedom. it can feel difficult to find a balance.
you write so well
thank you 🥹🤍
I adore this. You are preaching. ✨🦄
this is so beautifully written. because i always loved staying single but also wanted intimacy, connection, and warmth. i was told that these things come only with not being single, and i always hated that. why do i have to give myself to get something that should be shared without being in a relationship?
Beautiful article! I just turned 21, and this exact feeling, this love is something that has been gnawing at me for months! As someone whose name means she loves, love has been a part of my identity since birth and I have come to terms of all the things I love. I love how you placed love as energy, and honestly you are can still be a lover outside of a relationship or a partnership. I am slowly learning that you can be an art lover, gym lover, Sunday nights alone lover, book lover, love is where you are. I have been disillusioned that marriage and a big family is what I want, not necessarily told that but implied that is what a woman wants, what I must have. I have put a hard stop on getting into any partnerships, because year after year I have been drained out of the love because I have mastered how to pour into someone else’s heart, and yet I am completely inexperienced at pour a fraction of it into my own heart. I am giving myself a chance. It’s uncharted territory even at 21, even after being in multiple relationships, I don’t know the map of my own heart. I have found solace in the unknown❤️
I love this! How self-reflective you are! So many wait until later in life to look deeply at themselves. I remember vividly why I married my first husband -- security. I was afraid that I couldn't manage to support myself financially or emotionally on my own. I grew up with a lot of self-doubt and fear and that is what pushed me into a 19-year hellscape with a malignant narcissist. Once I finally got out, I met a man who told me that to be in a relationship doesn't mean "merging." Two people don't become one. You remain yourself in community with another person. You shouldn't have to (so don't) give yourself up to be in a loving relationship. That isn't love. It is control. You are not property (as my ex thought I was). You are a unique, self-fulfilling, self-owned individual capable of doing whatever the hell you want. And, as someone who is a deep, self-reflective thinker, you are surely acting in a positive, self-sustaining and inspiring way. Don't give in to the social norms if they don't suit you. Be you. You are enough!
I need to frame the following sentence as a reminder. " You are a unique, self-fulfilling, self-owned individual capable of doing whatever the hell you want"
That-a-girl!
thank you for making me feel so deeply understood. i often worry that I am completely lonely in being in between, somewhat not sure, being on opposite end from ones who want marriage and children and also those who know for a fact that their path do not include those things. thank you for reminding me that it is okay to wonder about it all.
This is so me. I claim to be hopeless romantic but being in a relationship somehow feels very suffocating to me, I sometimes love to share my space but I can't handle it all the time. Maybe I should reconsider whether I actually am a romantic or maybe I've been consuming too much media about romance.
This is so real because while I love the idea of having my own person I sometimes wonder if the reason I "crave" romantic relationships so much is because I tie my worth of being "wanted"
This is is really beautiful and it's actually something I needed today . I shared with my friend about my deep desire for love and I don't think he took it well because he has a whole different perspective about relationships. He became distant and all that but it's still okay it's too much. I have my fears but this has given me another thought, I should deconstruct love and how I see it and also I should really think about what I need. I'm good with solitude but I think am becoming too comfortable with it.
I really enjoyed this read. As someone who is actively living a life in solitude, I deeply resonated with this!