womanhood isn’t about suffering
We have romanticized suffering as women. We have been taught that suffering is part of our shared womanhood. We find beauty in it. Meaning in it. Connection through it. But here’s the truth: there is nothing to gain from suffering.
Women from past generations were tricked into believing that if they sacrificed as wives and mothers, there would be some reward. That society, their husbands, or God would see how much they had given and, at the very least, give them recognition or respect. I think we have realized that pigs will sooner fly before that happens.
What I have realized is that it is OK to choose differently. It is OK to be selfish. It is OK to prioritize yourself. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand if I truly desire to be a wife and mother or if that is something I feel like I must do. Something I feel obligated to do, as if the world will fall apart if I do not give that part of myself.
It is difficult because I truly desire love in my life, and I think motherhood can be beautiful. The idea of creating a life with someone you love deeply, of having little versions of you running around, can be incredible. But I do not want to romanticize motherhood so much that I offer myself almost as a sacrificial lamb without realizing it.
I do not want to demonize marriage and motherhood because there is beauty, love, and goodness in those experiences. But I also do not want to deny the realities of how difficult it can be. Whether you are lower income or have an abundance of resources, being in these positions is challenging as a woman.
Over the past 26 years, I have observed women around me struggle. I have watched them juggle multiple children at the airport. I have observed their relationships at restaurants. I have seen how they give, shrink themselves, and swallow their feelings. These struggles are now amplified by social media, where young women can see and hear these realities play out.
We can hear women across generations speak openly about their experiences, the joys and the hardships. Social media has been a double-edged sword: it has pulled back the curtain on the unrealistic demands placed on women, but it has also introduced a new kind of pressure. Young women are now seeing the unfiltered realities, which leads many to choose to be child-free or to put off prioritizing marriage and motherhood. Yet, at the same time, we face the pressure of curating the “perfectly imperfect” life, whether that is as a mother or as a single, globe-trotting woman.
Still, even with its flaws, I find this shift exciting. For the first time in a long time, women are being presented with other possibilities. We are seeing the truth behind what society and patriarchy have romanticized. Women are realizing that being a wife or mother is not the only way to find value.
Our value comes from our inherent worth as human beings, not from the roles we play. And to see women publicly showing that on social media, to see them saying that women can be more than just wives and mothers and still have meaningful lives, is incredibly powerful. It shows that life can be beautiful and full even when it does not follow the script we were given. It is okay to live your life the way you want to.
This is not to say that there are not plenty of women in truly happy marriages or women who genuinely enjoy motherhood. That is absolutely real. But being a wife and a mother today is a choice. A choice you do not have to make if it does not truly bring you joy. It is not a sacrifice you must make. It is not an obligation to the world, your husband, your boyfriend, or your parents. You should pursue those paths only if they are what you genuinely desire and what aligns with your vision of happiness. Remember, difficulty is not the same as sacrifice. All meaningful decisions, whether pursuing higher education, quitting your job, or moving to Bali, come with challenges, but the difference now is that you get to choose which difficulty you want to take on.
It is also important to note that there is not one way to be a wife or a mother. Traditionally, we are taught that there is only one way to exist in a marriage and as a mother. But now, we are realizing there are a multitude of ways to show up. You can parent your child in the way that feels right to you. You can have a marriage that looks unconventional, and that is completely OK. You can hear all that being a wife and mother entails, decide you still want it, and pursue it differently. That is equally OK.
I really encourage women to take advantage of the fact that, more than any other time in history, we have a choice in what our lives look like. We can hear from women who are traditional, stay-at-home wives taking care of their husbands and children and decide that is not the life we want. We can hear from women who are single, child-free, traveling the world in their 40s and decide that does not fit what we want either. We can hear from women who married later, had a child at 37, travel the world with a spouse and child, and hire help, and decide that is exactly the life we want. Or maybe we want none of the above. Maybe we want something completely different and unconventional. And that is perfectly valid too.
Whatever sparks life in you every day is worth pursuing. Chase after that part of life, whatever that means for you. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty for choosing the path you decide to take. We have free will. The women before us shed blood and sacrificed so that we could get here. So that we could finally choose our lives, our way, on our terms.
you write so beautifully and i am super glad women are now seeing that there are multiple pathways to life and no one is wrong in and of itself as long as you find joy in it. I still do not know if i want to be a mother because I am still weighing if i want to bring any one into this cruel world. Thank you for your musings.
This article needs to be seen by every woman. To know that we hold the power and we can live a life that we choose is pure bliss. More of us need to choose the life we actually want to live instead of settling for a life that tells us how we should live it.